Best Of: Chris D'Elia | Netflix Is A Joke
I think the worst gig I everhad was deep in the valley, deep in the valley of Los Angeles.
(crowd cheers) No, don't, it was, okay, it was, I feel like it was so deep in the valley, I feel like, you know howthe valley just keeps, I feel like it just keeps going.
It never, even if you get, if you're about to get to the edge of the valley, people will beat you there, and be like, hey, we'vegotta make more valley.
Let's do this.
(audience laughs) Hurry up, put up, you know? (audience laughs) Put up the Verizon Wirelessstore, just the front part.
We can't, nobody goes in.
Put up a Lamps Plus, do it.
(audience laughs) Fucking Lamps Plus, you know what I mean? (audience laughs) Fuck that place, straight up.
What is it? (audience laughs) What, Lamps Plus, what? (audience laughs) Can I get lettuce there? (audience laughs) No, fucking Lamps Plus, what? Oh, more lamps? Fuck you, you're not even trying.
You're not even fucking trying.
(Chris laughs) (audience laughs) But this gig I played was the worst.
It was this most rundown, shitty bar ever.
Fuck a theater.
This was a bar that was rundown, and all boarded up, and shitty.
It was, the only thingthis bar sold was meth.
That's all they sold.
(audience laughs) This is before Breaking Bad, before meth was popping, all right, and by the way, okay, there's 14 people in this bar.
Fourteen people, all right? You know how sometimes, at least for me, it's hard to tell how many people are a group of people, right? I could be at Dodgers Stadium and be like, this is either 50, 000people, or 12 million people, I have no fucking idea.
(audience laughs) My point is, is 14 peopleis very easy to tell, okay because it's just 13 more than you.
(audience laughs) You can just be like, one, 14, okay, that's it.
That's how many that is, and 12 of these peopleare at the bar, okay? They're not even fuckingfacing me, all right? They're just, 12 of thesepeople are literally just lined up.
(audience laughs) Sitting at the, and theyknow I'm back there.
They're doing a fuck you sit.
(audience laughs) One of them was like that, even.
(audience laughs) I live in L.
, and he calledme up, and he was like, hey, man, enough's enough.
I want you to meet my baby girl.
She's 4 already, and wewere coming up to L.
Are there any coolhotels we could stay at? And I just spoke, immediately.
I said, “Nah, stay at the house.
” I didn't even mean it.
I just said it becauseI heard my dad say it once growing up, you know? (audience laughs) You do that.
You're like, yeah, I'm and adult now.
I even heard my dad's eastcoast accent coming out.
It was like, yeah, yousguys, come on over.
It was like a fucking OliveGarden commercial or something.
Yeah, when you're here, you're family.
Come on over.
There's unlimitedbreadsticks at the house.
(audience laughs) And they came over, andI fucking, that, I mean, that little girl wasdirectly trying to affect how real I keep it onthese streets, you know? (audience laughs) She was, looking at me allcute, and soft, and shit.
First of all, her name's Anika, which is, that's so cute.
Fuck that, right? (audience laughs) How the fuck am I supposed to keep it real and call this girl Anika? Fuck that, I'm gonna call her Rachel.
That's a regular ass name.
(audience laughs) But you can't call a 4-year-oldgirl a different name.
That would fuck her up for life.
Imagine her talking to her dad later on, hey, Dad, excuse me, Ihave a question for you.
Hey, Dad, excuse me, can Italk to you for a second? Hey, (mumbles) Dad, Dad, canI talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, how come yourfriend that looks like the guy from Sleepy Hollow, why does he? Dad, excuse me, can Italk to you for a second? Hey, Dad? Why do little girls grab their pussies from behind like that? That's so weird.
(audience laughs) Don't go weird like I made them do it.
That was Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior that made them do that, okay? (audience laughs) If He did anything, He did everything, including that, all right? He did it on the eighth day, or some shit.
(audience laughs) And on the eighth day, little girls will grab their pussies from behind, and even the discipleswere like, whoa, already? We can do that later, and he was like, it doesn't matter.
It's what I thought of now.
It's no order.
We'll get them all done.
I looked at them, and this is what I said.
I said, “The elevator, ” so now, he knows what the rest of the sentencehas to be about, right? And then, I held eye contact, and I said, “Where is it?” (audience laughs) Right, I did the noun first, which is how they do it in Spanish, right? That's how they do it in Spanish.
Instead of red car, they'llbe like, car, red, you know? (audience laughs) By the way, it's better the way they do it because we should knowfrom jump what the thing is that you wanna talk about, right? In Spanish, I'll be like, I wanna talk about a car, also, it's red, and very fast, right? And we're like, all right, I'vegot you from the beginning, but in English, we're like, I'm gonna mentionsomething in a little bit.
(audience laughs) But before I do, I'llhave you know, it was red.
(audience laughs) And you're like, oh, is it a dragon? (audience laughs) No, it's a car.
Oh, that's disappointing, go fuck yourself, right? (audience laughs) So, remember, that's what I said to them.
I was like, the elevator, where is it? I shit you not, the guy goes like this, sorry man, I guess I'mjust gonna not understand what you're saying.
So, now, I have to say it a fifth time.
Now, I've gotta be like, something else is going on here that I have no idea about, right? Maybe I don't know whatwords mean anymore.
Maybe I'm having a stroke, right? But you laugh, but that'swhat having a stroke is like.
You're pretty sure you know the words coming out of yourmouth, but, in actuality, what's coming out of yourmouth is something like tarantula, tarantula, tarantula, and half your face isnumb, so I touched my face, and I felt it, right? (audience laughs) And I was like, shit, I'vegotta change these words or something, so I startedwith the first word, elevator, and I was like, right away, it clicked, and I was like, oh, where's the Lyft, andthe guy goes like this, oh, it's right down there, fuck him, okay? (audience laughs) I felt like I was in the endof an M.
Night Shyamalan movie or some shit.
(audience laughs) I was like, was I thebad guy the whole time? (audience laughs) Some girl in the spotlightalone, just like, ♪ I wish he'd come ♪ (audience laughs) (Chris sighs) (audience laughs) ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ (Chris laughs) ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ (audience laughs) I love when they hit thesame note twice, at the end.
♪ Meet me somewhere ♪ (Chris laughs) (audience laughs) ♪ Else ♪ That's such a fuck you, you know? (audience laughs) It really is.
You want that extra highnote, but some motherfuckers don't give that shit to you.
(audience laughs) You know what you want.
♪ Meet me somewhere, ahh ♪ That's what you want, right? (audience laughs) And some dudes are like, ♪ Meet me somewhere hah ♪ And they're just like, fuck, you don't get that last note.
(audience laughs) The balls you gotta do to do that shit.
(Chris laughs) (audience laughs) But girls, you can get at us like that.
You really can, and here's why, all right, because as men, all we wantin life, no matter what we do in our lives, the realreason we're doing it is to get you.
That's what we want.
No matter what we do, no matter what the, whatever it is, the realreason is to get in you, really, is the truth.
(audience laughs) I know, it's true.
We drive nice cars.
We don't care aboutwhat wheel we're behind.
We just want, when wedrive by, for you to go wait, wait, wait, andthen, you get in the car, and then, we get in you.
That's what we want.
(audience laughs) We get nice jobs, wework hard, we don't care where we go every day.
We just want you to belike, wait a minute.
What do you do? And then, we get in you.
That's what we want.
(audience laughs) No matter what we doas men, the real reason we're doing it, is to get in your pussy.
That shit is crazy, dude.
(audience laughs) It's crazy, dude, all right? It's harsh, but it's true, man, but here's the craziest part about that whole thing, all right? There's nothing in there.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers) That means that all menwant in life is nothing.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music).